Clean Underwear Is the Mother of Invention

Do I really need to be told how to open a box? Apparently so. On the flap of the outer box for my new Keurig B70 Platinum Brewer is a 7-step instruction guide on how to open the box and extract my new single-serve coffee maker. “Turn the outer box over on its side. Pull on the plastic wrapping to free the inner box. Remove the instruction manual.” Whew. Good. I was planning on leaving the manual inside the brewer while making coffee. I’m glad I’m clear about that. I find facing the coffee maker instructions so intimidating it’s been sitting on my kitchen counter unused for several weeks now. Friends, and total strangers, have told me it’s really simple: put water in the container, put a K-Cup (a K-Cup?) in the machine, press down, and, presto-changeo, you have one cup of personally-brewed fresh coffee. Sounds good in concept. I have other priorities right now besides spending half an hour figuring out how to make myself a cup of coffee. Starbucks is nearby. And, like just about everything else in New Mexico (Baskin Robbins, Panda Express), it’s a drive through. Drive through works for me. Even if a venti latte is $4.12 now compared to my 50-cent cup of personally-brewed Keurig coffee. If I amortize the $149 the Keurig cost me at Costco over time and add that to the cost of K-Cups, it’s probably the same price as Starbucks, so why did I buy it in the first place? I decided to give up my 10-cup Cuisinart so I wouldn’t have to reheat cold coffee or refrigerate it for iced coffee later. I have a purist Virgo friend who says brewed coffee is only good for ten minutes after it’s made. She would shudder if she knew about my refrigerate-for-iced-coffee-later program. That’s why I haven’t told her.

Don’t get me started. I guess since I already am, we might as well talk about my new high-efficiency (He) washer and dryer. A 59-page instruction manual? Just for the washer? And a 36-page instruction manual for the dryer? That doesn’t even count the two additional installation booklets (23 and 44 pages respectively). I’m glad Lowe’s includes free installation. You might now suspect why they sat unused in my new home for over a month. When would I have an hour to sit down and find out how to turn them on? Oh, I know. When I ran out of clean underwear, that’s when. Remarkable, how necessity is the mother of invention. I invented some time for booklet reading when the necessity arose. (He) machines that use less water, detergent and energy and contribute to saving the planet are worthy products. Were the man (and woman) hours for booklet reading calculated and factored into the efficiency equation? Probably not. Most likely it’s enough time to develop fossil-fuel-free cars and create peace in the Middle East within the next twelve months. I’m just sayin’.

Is that the end of it? Of course not! I have a brand-new electric screwdriver to compensate for my weakening grip. I’m sure it would do a great job putting up my new kitchen paper towel holder and assembling my firewood storage rack . . . if I knew how to use it. When will necessity invent the time for me to read the booklet for that? Probably not in the foreseeable future since it doesn’t involve clean underwear.

I also bought a new Crock Pot to replace the twenty-year-old one that somehow mildewed during its year in storage. I found a way to game the system by buying the “Classic” model. “Classic” means “old” in ad speak - my kind of style. Not one computer chip in sight. Woo hoo! Just one 4-setting dial (“Low,” “High,” “Warm” and “Off”). I can deal with that. In fact, I did. The wonderful aroma of homemade beef stew filled the house with perfect timing. When I looked out my bedroom window that morning, the front garden was covered with snow – yes, in March. Stew time. There was no instruction booklet in sight – until I removed the inner stoneware container. The booklet was small, and I didn’t have to read it to make stew. I think it contained recipes. But I’m not going to confirm that. I know I’m not the only one who feels this way. The Coca-Cola people got an earful when they tried to change their original formula. The public outcry was so great they had to offer their “classic” version again.

Have I morphed into a Luddite with age, a curmudgeonly older person who resists technological change? Really, why does a washing machine need thousands of permutations instead of three switches for off/on, water temperature, length of cycle? My new washer literally offers five columns with twenty-one choices, a dial with five additional choices and seven more buttons. That’s entirely too many decisions, even for clean underwear.

I’ve concluded these new, improved features are make-work projects. Perhaps part of Obama’s job creation program: technical writers for instruction manuals (those who cannot obfuscate need not apply), life coaches with appliance designations, businesses to train and certify those writers and coaches, computer repair people since almost everything comes with chips. Let your imagination run wild about additional new job applications.

While it’s fun to poke fun at technological advances, I deeply appreciate them. I’m grateful, instead of scrubbing clothes on a washboard, or rocks by a river, to have time to feed blue corn to the cranes, ducks and geese, to work in my garden then sit and stare at the cottonwood trees, to watch the green shoots of iris and hyacinth break through the soil, to visit with my neighbor over the morning-glory fence and to pet Blue, the neighborhood cat, when he deigns to honor me with his company. Contentment, for me, comes from the nurturing balance of enjoying it all.

Blurbs from the Burque:

• New items for sale at Costco: (1) Lorex Surveillance System, 2 wireless cameras, $289.99; (2) Winchester Wide Body Gun Safe. Holds 51 long guns; $799.99. 51 guns??? Any connection between the two?



• Banner sign at Rudy's Texas-style BBQ and meat market: "Real people eat meat." .....as opposed to "fake" people?