Do You Think I Know What I’m Doing?

Do you think I know what I’m doing?
That for one breath or half-breath I belong to myself?
As much as a pen knows what it’s writing, 
or the ball can guess where it’s going next.

                                                                                            - Rumi                

Laughing, laughing, laughing, I listen to Gangaji speak spontaneously about Rumi’s poetry with interviewer Chris Mohr on the CD “A Love Secret Spoken.” One of my favorite CDs, it is available on Amazon which describes it this way: “The combination of Rumi's passionate verse followed by Gangaji's clear, sutra-like commentary is a marriage of two wisdom mirrors, eight centuries apart, each having the extraordinary capacity to reflect and express the inexpressible truth. Here is an open invitation to discover yourself as love itself, alive and present in the heart of all being.” The two of them delight in this verse, laughing at themselves as they talk about the idea so beautifully expressed, and it becomes one of my favorites.

Rumi’s expression of this truth especially resonated with me as Grant and I began his journey with melanoma together in 2009. We had no idea where we were going. We still have no idea where we are going. Although we have some clear intentions! I believe we always live on the edge of the unknown, and it is so terrifying, we become experts in denial so we can feel like we have some control as Life flows through us. The paradox is that while we have no control, we are also the creators of our lives. I don’t know about you, but I certainly am having fun. It is entertaining, and certainly not boring.

In working on The Caregiver’s Journey manuscript this week, I have surrendered to and immersed myself in writing, to the joy of kairos, the sense of timelessness in which creation takes place. Some of the writing is nothing short of miraculous – how a car accident I was in a year before Grant was born prepared me for his illness thirty-five years later. How could I possibly have orchestrated that? Do you think I know what I’m doing? I wrote about companioning a dear friend, driving her to UCLA, going to radiation and chemotherapy appointments with her before her death from skin cancer a year before Grant was diagnosed. I would then do the same activities with him.

I didn’t really know what I was doing yesterday either when I went to the We ART the People’s 10^th annual arts and crafts fair in downtown Albuquerque’s Robinson Park. It was  sponsored by the off center community arts project which reaches out to the homeless, disabled and disadvantaged to provide them with supplies and an opportunity to create art. There was a giant puppet and samba dance-n-drum parade. There were magic acts, fortune telling, face painting, group art making areas for both children and adults and over one hundred folk arts and crafts vendors selling everything from hand-painted silk scarves to handmade birdhouses. Also featured were a costumed storyteller, a jazz belly dancer (go figure) and two musical performance stages. It felt like Santa Barbara's Solstice. The colorful and charming fortune-telling booth captured my attention, especially when I saw the sign reading 50¢.

Rainbow pinwheels spinning in the wind and fluttering, multicolored mylar streamers looped from post to post created a waiting line in front of the mystical, brightly-colored, fabric-draped booth. A belt of coins hung above the fortune teller’s window. A faux-crystal ball perched on the roof. The fortune teller’s name was “Carma.” Who could resist? When it was my turn, she held out a round, clear-glass fish bowl filled with playing cards, inviting me to choose one. The organizing artists had pasted stamps and hand-written labels on them. Selecting one with my non-dominant hand, I chose the nine of hearts. It read, “News from afar.” “I am a nine of hearts in The Cards of Your Destiny,” I told the fortune teller. “I am too,” she replied. It is the card of Universal Love. We were off to a good start. The card was mine to keep or do with as I pleased.

Next, she reached down into a basket full of boxed oracle cards to select a set. When she asked which one I’d like to use, I said, “Use your intuition.” She chose the Universal Wisdom Cards, shuffled them, fanned them out, and offered me one. I selected the “Magic Tree” card. She read me its meaning: “It is time for you to release the creative power within you. You are an artist of light. You have the power to create happiness, abundance and joy. Make your intention clear, for the universe is always listening and responds to all your words and thoughts. Be clear as you create the life of your dreams.” The star in front of the magic tree on the card reminded me of the star-filled sky I wrote about last week. News from afar, indeed. “God winks,” my neighbor Judy’s daughter calls all these seeming coincidences. It’s okay if I don’t know what I’m doing as I move forward into the unknown. Guidance will be provided. Confirmation of divine order, reassurance, comfort, support will accompany me along the way. God winked again this morning as I pulled out of the pool parking lot after aquacise. A bumper sticker on the car next to me said, “Move confidently in the direction of your dreams.”